If you are a male and you are reading this, beware: this blog contains my secret thoughts and is intended to encourage my sisters. I cannot stop you from reading this, but I would prefer that you didn't. If you insist on reading, please do not tell me that you read it, as I would be very embarrassed. But I feel that God wants me to write this for my sisters.
To all the single ladies out there:
I am one of you. For the past, oh, I'd say 10 years of my life, I have been searching for a husband. Yes, I started when I was twelve. Anyway, the past few years have been getting progressively more difficult for me, as some of my friends have been getting married, and having children, or hopelessly in love with that special someone. Then I went to "Calvary Chapel Bridal College" and things just seemed to get worse. The guys there were good, Christian men who loved the Lord (most of them). What am I to do? Anyway, so my quest for a husband has basically ruled my life for a while. All the while God was gently nudging me. Here is a typical conversation between me and God. Remember, I'm only human and I know it's not always what I should have said, but I'm trying to be honest here.
Me: "God, don't You love me? Don't You know that I want to get married? It's so hard to stand here and watch all these people get together when I'm standing on the sidelines!"
God: "Don't you realize that I have the absolute BEST in mind for you? All you need to do is let go, and trust Me!"
Me: "I know, but, come on, how will You ever find someone to love me? Look at all the other beautiful, talented, feminine, gentle women out there. Some of them are still single, so won't all the good guys flock to them? What's going to be left for me?"
God: "Let go, and trust Me. I have given you the desire for a husband. I have promised you that if you will take your joy in Me, than I will give you the desires of your heart. I have the perfect man chosen for you, and I am preparing him right now, just as I am preparing you."
Me: "Haven't I waited long enough? God, I'm 22 [you can put any age in here, they all work] and have never felt loved by any man. I feel so...unattractive...guys just don't like me. I don't get it! I feel so ugly, so...yeah, unattractive! Why couldn't You have made me skinnier or given me clear skin or a more feminine personality? Are You sure You meant to make me like this?"
God: "Not only did I "allow" you to be the way you are, I planned it out before I created the world. I love you. I made you just the way you are for My glory. Let go, and trust me."
Anyways, so these conversations go on and on, most of the time with God telling me to read Isaiah chapter 40 to remind me how BIG He really is, or Psalm 45 to remind me how He really feels about me. But I have basically struggled with that desire for a long time. Then on the thirteenth of this month, God really laid it on my heart to give some things up to Him. One of them was my desire for a husband. Not the "I want to get married someday" mentality, but the "meet a guy and pray, God, is this the one?" mentality. He also told me to give Him my thought life. Or, as I like to put it, the ideal life that I live in my head. It has been said before, but I'll reiterate for clarity. Guys generally struggle with their eyes. Girls struggle with their thoughts. I don't know if it is true for any of you, but I know that I have long struggled with that whole part of my life. I'll meet a guy and five minutes later, in my head, we'll already be married or whatever. Silly? Yes. Degrading to men? Absolutely. Am I ashamed about it? Definitely. For that reason, I know that it is sin. Anyway, I mentioned this because I feel that these two things are linked. BECAUSE I live in a fantasy world, I have a hard time waiting for a husband. Just as no real woman looks like the ad in the Magazine (come on, even the models have been air-brushed!), no guy will ever live up to the fantasy in my head. I gave my thought life to God, and He enabled me to leave it behind! I didn't think it was possible, but He did it! First, I asked Him to remind me when I was slipping into a indulgent thought, and He was faithful to do that. I was then able to recite scripture or pray, or try to distract myself. Now, He still reminds me when I begin moving in that direction, but the times are fewer and farther between. Once that was (essentially) under control, I realized something: I can wait. I can wait!
On the last night of our outreach (read the previous blog if you don't know what I'm talking about) we were at this woman Annerose's house. We had a blast, but at the end of the night, I don't remember how it happened, but it came up that I'm utterly single. She was joking about it, but I had to fight back tears. That's still a sensitive area for me, apparently. So, this morning, I was reading Ephesians one (Eph is my FAV book and I'm finally there in my quiet time!!!) and I stopped after verse 4.
Ephesians 1:1-4 KJV "Paul, and apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, to the saints which are at Ephesus, and to the faithful in Christ Jesus: 2 Grace be to you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ. 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: 4 according as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love:"
Ok, so, that's my position in Christ. I know that. But, wait, verse four says "according as he hath chosen usbefore the foundation of the world."
God chose me.
Ok, I don't want to get into a "Calvinism vs. Armenianism" debate with y'all, but it says there that God chose me. Most of my "singleness pain" comes from the feeling that no man would ever choose to be with me instead of anyone else. But God, the God who created the heavens and the earth and the things that we have not seen in outer space and the things that we have not seen in our ocean's depths has chosen me. Me? Yes! He chose me to be His child. Why did He choose me? So that I could stand before Him holy and blameless in love. Not in a passing earthly love that is a shadow of things to come, but in the INCREDIBLE agape love that we can barely understand and only touch the tip of the iceberg when practicing. That is my encouraging thought. Yes, I know what you are thinking, "I want a man, a human being. Someone who will hold me, who I can share my life with and who will love me in return." Ok. Fair enough. Take Jesus. Man? Check. Human being? Already did that one, check. Will He hold you? Ask Him to. I remember asking God one night to hold me because I felt so alone. I remember that I felt warm all over, and totally at peace. Then I fell asleep within a matter of minutes. Can you share your life with Him? He is begging you to do so! Check Psalm 81:13. God is basically lamenting because His people did not listen to Him. That is Christ's heart for us. Does He love you in return? Girl, He loved you before you even knew who He was. My point is, Yes. I still want to get married some day. But if I live my life always waiting for the next big monument to happen, I'll miss the important stuff. Like everything. That is what Satan tries successfully to do to those in the world. It is always about the next mile post in your life. Driver's license. High School Graduation, College Graduation, First Job, Marriage, Children, Retirement...death? My goal in life: To know my Lord and Savior more and more every day. I can, and will wait until God's perfect timing brings me the man that God has created for me and me alone. I need to rest in the knowledge that God is God and He is on the throne.
Psalm 46:10-11 KJV "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. 11 The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah."
Isaiah 54:5 KJV "For thy Maker is thine husband; The LORD of hosts is his name; And thy redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called"
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